


Alone at Beta

by Enlightened_Introvert



Series: Earthlings [4]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Flashbacks, Healing, Minimal references to the previous fics/can be stand alone, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, References to Depression, non-canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-02-04 05:42:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12764352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enlightened_Introvert/pseuds/Enlightened_Introvert
Summary: Jasper, newly uncorrupted, is desperately trying to build her life anew and find an outlet for thousands of years of suppressed emotions where it all began: Beta.This is a part of the Earthling series, taking place a few weeks after Healing, New Wounds and Old, but I think it can easily count as a stand alone fic.





	1. Chapter 1

“Hey.”

Jasper was pulled back to the moment, unsure of where her mind had wandered to in the lost time. The aftermath of yesterday’s mayhem lay scattered below her: broken injectors, crumbing cliffsides, trampled ground, angry Agates, overworked Peridots, and overburdened soldiers. They had combed the sand three times already, yet she could still see the glimmer of orange shards from where she stood.

The dissonance from below should have carried to her vantage point atop a curving cliff, but all that reached was a hollow murmur. The voice was loud and clear. Painfully clear.

“Where are you?” It asked, as she sensed the entity behind her take a step closer.

It was game the Betas played, as they slipped into a trend of haunted thoughts and vacant stares. One would distract them, asking “where are you?” and causing the soldier to think fast, naming the first location that came to mind. Naturally, that would turn into a whole conversation, and the worries of the present and future, as well as the ache of the past, were momentarily forgotten. It was one of the ways they got by.

Where was she? Home? Hell? Both?

“I don’t know, where?” She countered tiredly, hoping that the voice would go along with it for a moment.

“Turn around and I’ll tell you.”

Sighing loudly—far too loudly, in an attempt to get out her head for a moment—she swung around to meet her harasser. Her friend. Her sister. She almost wished she hadn’t.

The spindly Jasper stood before her, a bemused grin plastered to her dusty face, arms crossed and shoulders hunched in defeat. Her long arms hung low across her abdomen, knuckles pale and hands shaking as she gripped her elbows like a lifeline. The casualties from this battle had been particularly high, and Skinny mercifully dispatched more than one Beta the day before, who were cracked beyond Homeworld’s capability of repair. She also shattered several Crystal Gems, of course, and Jasper knew her hands also shook from the atrocity of that action. Jasper knew she was a weakling that hated to shatter, but a smaller voice in her head loved her all the more for it.

 _I miss you_ , it said, making her chest ache uncomfortably.

Skinny’s smile was soft, but her eyes were hard. That was a common trait among all the Betas: a stony gaze, no matter what emotion they were trying to convey. She opened her mouth to say something, closed it, and looked towards the horizon, the smile firmly pinned into place.

“Well?” Jasper asked impatiently, apprehensively. The dull hum of activity continued below, grating on her already frayed nerves.

Finally, Skinny spoke. “You’re in a nice place where nothing bad ever happens.” She pulled her arms closer, turning her face away. “There’s no war, no destruction, no shattering. Everyone is happy to exist here, in this nice place. Nobody hates us, not even the Agates, and we’re allowed to relax and exist as we are, not how anyone expects us to be.” She paused a moment, letting the words drop like stones between them, like shards in the sand, before adding, “Pretty sunset, isn’t it?”

Jasper had the urge to ignore her, tell her that she was wasting time _as always_ on things that don’t matter, just like Homeworld was wasting its time on them. It was on the tip of her tongue. Many thousands of years ago, she had said just that, to get a rise out of her placid sister more than anything. She didn’t deserve to be so outwardly calm when there was death and destruction everywhere they looked.

But Jasper understood now. Jasper understood just how hard Skinny tried to be the emotional support she could never accomplish. Once that was gone from her life, that was when Jasper began to retreat into her hardened shell of hatred, both of herself and those who have done her wrong (besides, of course, the ones that had perpetuated the abuse all along). Everything was clearer in hindsight, without the Diamonds’ influence skewing her perception, and the situation looked less like her carrying the fate of Beta on her broad shoulders, and more of a group effort, dragging their kindergarten to its inevitable ruin. They had no choice.

So, when she looked over to see bitter, silent tears sliding down Skinny’s face, she didn’t ignore them as she had in the past. Cautiously, as if the specter would disappear upon contact, Jasper reached out and wrapped her arm comfortingly about her narrow frame. It was an uncomfortable feeling, as much now as it would have been then, and she could feel Skinny tense up beside her. After a moment, however, she succumbed to the embrace and leaned closer to the larger gem, transferring her vice-like grip to Jasper’s forearm.

“It is.” She finally answered.

All good things must come to end, as Jasper’s mind continued the story as before, as a large explosion rocked the ground of the kindergarten, so soon after the previous battle. Both Jasper’s spun around, weapons flashing at the ready as sickly orange smoke and dust floated into the air, dangerously close to where they were standing.

“Not again,” Skinny gasped in anguish, taking a running leap off the cliff. Jasper raced after her, not one to be left behind at the prospect of a fight, certainly not one with Crystal Gems that have the gall to mess with the Beta kindergarten.

As soon as her boots hit the ground, she was suddenly struck by the muted echo of chaos. Everything looked and sounded like her head was submerged under water, but she chose not to ponder this thought any further. In this memory, that memory didn’t exist. The metallic clang of weapons against weapons was like a ringing in her ears, accompanied by the whispered shouts of both friend and foe and the patter of pounding feet against the sun-hardened ground. She should have chased after traitors along with her Beta sisters, smashed those miserable gems to pieces single-handedly, but they were all lost in the haze. Confusion all around, and all she could focus on was Skinny’s back, Skinny and the injured Jasper before her.

Jasper stopped in her tracks. The Jasper was from their platoon, now slumped against the decimated cliff with an Obsidian’s dagger protruding from the mutilated gem on her chest. To a gem with a weaker constitution, it would have been a sickening sight, but for the two Beta soldiers, it was just another day, another sight. It didn’t make it any less upsetting, but they had developed a thick skin to such things.

Jaspers keep going. Jaspers don’t give up. Jaspers don’t cry.

“Move it, Skinny!” Jasper barked, pulling the visor of her helmet lower.

Skinny waved her away “I’ll catch up!”

“Oh no you won’t!” Jasper grabbed her wrist, twisting it for effect. “What if another group of Crystal scum came charging through there? You wouldn’t stand a chance!”

Suddenly, Skinny spun around and slapped her, as hard as she could with the flat of her palm. The fighting outside may have been muted, but she was hyper-aware of this particular moment, the clunk of Skinny’s fingertips against the edge of her helmet, the sting as her palm made contact with Jasper’s chin, the mix of emotions that played across her face: anger, frustration, fear, and sorrow. So much sorrow.

“You would let one of your own teammates suffer like this?” Skinny accused viciously through her teeth. “You would let them die alone?”

Jasper didn’t have an answer. She was still in shock.

Skinny’s breath hitched, and she quickly turned and fell to her knees to examine the wound, as if that would do any good. All Jasper could do was watch, face burning, helmet askew, and a quiet battle at her back. She watched as Skinny scooted closer to the dying Jasper, careful not to surprise her into action and exacerbating the wound even further. Gently, as gently as a soldier could muster, she touched the soldiers forearm, awaking her from her stupor.

She flinched in pain as her form glitched a moment. “S-Skin-ny?” she asked, fingers straying towards her gem out of habit. Skinny intercepted the big Quartz mitt, holding it in both of her slender hands.

“It’s me, Rusty,” she replied lightly, far too lightly for the situation.

Rusty opened both eyes, wincing again as she looked up at her teammate. “How b-bad isss it-t?” She asked. “I c-can-n’t look. C-coward, huh?”

Skinny pretended that she was looking at the wound for the first time. “It isn’t too bad. Just a nick, really.”

“Aw-ha-haw, ya d-don’t hah-have tah lie to m-meee.” She hacked loudly, and her form glitched again. “I caaan s-see the hilt.” Consciousness flaring a moment, she looked down either direction of the pass, eyes completely grazing over Jasper in her fevered search. “W-where isss she? D-did I g-g-gettt h-her?”

“Shattered before she hit the ground,” Skinny lied, smiling tensely and squeezing her hand. “Sharp shooting til the end.”

Rusty paused, processed the words, and leaned back against the cliff again, grinning in spite of the pain. “W-what aaah sha-ame,” she rasped, “sh-should-ha suf-ferrred l-like m-me.” She managed another glance at Skinny, twisting her hand free to grab Skinny’s instead and drawing it closer to her gem. “Sh-sha-atter meee.”

Skinny looked stricken for half a second before regaining her composure. This sort of thing never got any easier. She nodded once, kicking her mace aside and moving even closer, unconsciously pushing the hair out of Rusty’s eyes. So calm, so collected on the outside, but Jasper could sense that she was falling apart. Jasper was falling apart.

“Close your eyes. This won’t hurt at all.” She couldn’t possibly know that, but Rusty seemed content to do what she said. At the very least, she’d go by the hands of someone that cared for her.

“P-piiink…” She coughed again, the dagger twitched and the loosely collected shards jostled a bit. Her form glitched. Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. “S-sheee…w-whaaat a d-d-disssappointm-ment I am.”

Skinny leaned in by her ear, hand rested on her shoulder. “She’ll be so proud of you,” she whispered, but it sounded so loud in Jasper’s ears. “Just like she is of all of us. You fought so hard and so well under the worst conditions, with all the odds stacked against you. If that doesn’t deserve praise, I don’t know what does.”

Her tone was confident as she said this and the smallest smile spread across Rusty’s face, even as Skinny struggled to keep her composure. She was no healer, but Skinny certainly had a way with words, comforting and calm and encouraging, even as she was falling apart herself. Jasper hated to admit it, but that was one way in which Rose Quartz and her closest sister were similar, only Skinny never had ulterior motives behind her kindness. She had nothing to gain, as she grieved the death of every single Beta, up until the point that the Agates started punishing her for it. Even then, Jasper could tell that it still took a toll on her, and she just stood by and let her suffer, just as she was doing now.

It was such a common scene, but for some reason, this moment was particularly heart-breaking, although Jasper didn’t realize at first why it stuck with her.

Rusty opened her mouth one last time, struggling to maintain her cognizant speech. “S-Skin-ny, c-caaa-n I s-say som-methin’?”

“Of course, Rusty, anything.”

Rusty cracked an eye open for a second, one last look at skinny’s anguished face that she didn’t even bother hiding this time, and then closed it again. “I-I l-looovvve y-yoou. U-usss Betas d-don’t sssay i-it e-enough, y-ya know? Y-you arrre the b-bessst.” She grew silent again, sighing contentedly, as if that had been the thing she had waited to say her entire life. Perhaps it was.

“We don’t say it enough,” Skinny agreed quietly, reaching towards the dagger. “I love you, too.”

Her hand shook so violently, she had to grip her wrist with her other hand to steady it enough to grab hold of the hilt without jostling the mangled gem. Satisfied that she wouldn’t let go, Skinny then braced her other hand against Rusty’s shoulder, waiting for a break in the glitch to get a firm grip. Slowly, painfully, she drew the dagger back a bit to gain a bit more momentum. One strike, all she needed was one good blow through the center.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, so quietly yet so deafening, finally plunging the dagger completely through the gem. There was so much force behind her strike that the dagger _chinged_ against the cliffside, before dematerializing under the impact. There was a puff of orange smoke that faded into the water-colored background, and orange shards that fell unceremoniously to the ground, sand already moving to cover them up.

And Skinny…oh, Skinny. She fell forward, face in the sand, sobbing her heart out. Jasper remembered, this was the last time she was Skinny cry, a whole 250 years before the war ended, 250 years of repressed emotions. Jasper had been doing that for five and a half millennia. She should have raced after those Crystal Gems and avenged Rusty’s death, she should have shattered every enemy that dared hurt her sisters, dared to make Skinny upset like this, but she couldn’t move. The ground was quicksand. The Earth’s gravity pulled harder and harder on her.

_I’m so sorry._

Jasper closed her own eyes, long and hard, trying to ward off the painful images and feelings, the tears. Jasper’s don’t cry. Jasper’s don’t give up. Jasper’s don’t lose faith. Jasper’s don’t die.

* * *

 

A sharp gasp tore through Jasper’s throat as her eyes flew open.

She was lying on her back, gazing up at the darkening evening sky as the last rays of sun colored the dusky horizon in shades of pink and orange. It faded into grey twilight, pocked with millions of tiny stars that progressively made themselves known. In her peripheral vision, she could see long shadows cast by taller cliffs stretching slowly, lazily past, silent witnesses to the carnage that had occurred here so many years ago.

Jasper was sore, more exhausted than she had been before she passed out atop the cliff that bore her exit hole. Her left arm was flung heavily over her forehead, partially obscuring the view as it tingled with inactivity, while her right hand still grasped the pink diamond on the front of her uniform, twisting the fabric tightly. It was a bothersome habit of hers. Every twitch of her muscles made her ever more aware of the dirt that covered her entire body, made all the more frustrating as a stiff breeze cooled the twin streaks that cut through the grime on her face.

But she took comfort in the dying light, shining down on her body and warming her knees as they dangled off the edge of the cliff, a 15-minute embrace from a celestial body. Though brief, at least it was dependable.

“Pretty sunset, isn’t it?” she asked of no one in particular. There was no one to hear her.

Jasper wasn’t sure what she had been thinking when she decided to exile herself to Beta. What had started as an idle week to clear her head became an obsessive desire to restore the kindergarten to its former glory…well, as much glory as one could have from a shoddily cut, sandstone kindergarten full of hideously malformed holes. The damage was already done in her makeshift corruption prison, but there was still thousands of years-worth of sand to clear out, broken injectors to haul away, boulders to restack, restricted areas to explore, now that there were no Agates or Peridots to dissuade her.

And holes. Amethyst had given a poor description of all the Betas she saw in her brief visit to the human zoo, but she was able to place most of them. After she was through with the heavy lifting (which took far less time than she had hoped), she moved on to scooping dust from the holes of those who survived. After the first two holes, however, she decided to go back and clear out every single one of them, respect for the living and for the dead.

Three days, meticulously scraping granules from the exit holes, until she made it to her own. It was all mindless drudgery with moments of sadness when she reached the holes of Jaspers from her own platoon, even Carnelian’s slanted little cave. By the time she had arrived to her section of the kindergarten, she was emotionally drained, so much so that it was an effort to lay herself on the ground and clear out the tiny hole beneath her own, a tiny Jasper that thankfully didn’t have to suffer the war outside the first and only raid she experienced.

Jasper skipped over own hole entirely, climbing up to Skinny’s hole instead. There, she encountered an embarrassing issue: her arm was too thick to fit past her bicep, leaving the very back of the hole untouched. It would have been easy to shapeshift her arm smaller, but at that point her nerves were pulled so thin they snapped.

She pressed her face against the smooth cliff face and laughed furiously, painfully. She laughed until tears pricked her eyes and her throat was hoarse and the only thing that was keeping her from pounding her head fists against the wall was her desire to keep from destroying the kindergarten even further and her precarious position so high on the cliff. Depression, obsession, and wild tantrums in-between, that was how she functioned these days, but she knew it was only her mind’s way of coping with all that she knew now.

The nightmares were another aspect of this. When the emotional toll was too much, her first inclination shifted from fighting to sleeping, which naturally led to dreaming.

Some of the dreams were mundane, calming situations. Ignoring the fact that they took place in a time of war and an underlying sense of dread infected everything and everyone, it was probably the most content moments of her life. One was of sparring with her sisters, their raucous shouts and laughter filling a particularly curved, cavern-like section of Beta like music. Another was of a secret lesson, in which the Betas attempted to teach themselves the gem language so that they could read the Peridot’s logs over their shoulders. Yet another was a similar sunset moment, but she was standing by herself, watching Skinny work her fingers through Carnelian’s hair as they chatted quietly in the fiery light.

More often, however, it was the terrors of war: a nameless Crystal Gem aiming a war hammer directly at her exposed gem, a small Carnelian in the midst of thousands of shards, a captured traitor from Prime being publicly executed by one of the Agates, and now this. They were the painful memories she hid from behind a façade of self-importance, only to be revisited when her subconscious took control.

“Get up, you lazy clod,” she scolded herself half-heartedly, sighing as she propped herself up on her elbows, “filthy clump of Earth dirt.”

The sun had almost completely disappeared under the horizon when Jasper finally get to her feet, futilely dusting herself off. She was seriously considering warping to a place with water just to clean herself off, but she couldn’t think of any place off the top of her head that was anywhere near a warp pad. Nowhere except the Temple, which was absolutely off-limits. To go back now would be to admit defeat, and Jasper’s weren’t quitters, either. There was also the Galaxy Warp, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to throw herself back in the ocean just yet.

A glimmer from below caught her eye. A stray ray of light shone through a gap between two cliffs, illuminating the sand and a reflective object half-buried in it. Jasper’s mouth went dry at the sight of it.

 _No…no, no, no._ Her mind couldn’t articulate what she was looking at.

Within seconds, before she could stop to consider what she was doing, Jasper was on her knees in the sand. Lo and behold, it was exactly as she feared: an orange gem shard. And it wasn’t the only one she found. When the light finally subsided, she had gathered eight bits of Jasper, lost and forgotten just like the rest of this place, kept from reforming by the press of sand around them. The idea of the gem shards reforming sent a shiver down her spine.

The idea of the tiny shards reforming sent a shiver down her spine, but a tiny, selfish part of her wanted to let them, if only to see a tiny part of her kin one more time. No. She covered the shards with her large palms, focusing on the task at hand. She was a little rusty at this, having left bubbling behind with the war, but she was able to tap into that old sensation again, a need to protect what was already broken.

She felt the orange bubble materialize between her palms, housing the shards safely within, glittering gently in the starlight.

Just to test that she still knew how to do it, she closed her eyes to envision where she wanted to send it, before tapping the top. It was too dark to see at this point, but when she lit up her gem to inspect her hole, she found the bubble floating languidly in place. It had to do for now, at least until she could wreck her way into the kindergarten’s control room.

Again, she could go to the other’s and ask for help, but as the stubbornest Jasper known to gemkind, she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

Thus, she found a new purpose to act on, clearing out holes and collecting shards, as well as finding a place to house them. It was still a way of distracting herself from her problems, but at least she was doing a service to her fallen sisters, without the influence Homeworld or the Crystal Gems. No prospect of praise, no orders, just her and the quiet shards, in a silent kindergarten, in the middle of a lonely desert.


	2. Chapter 2

Jasper sent off another bubble full of shards, taking little comfort from the now dull, orange sand beneath her. She knew, even before she looked up, that the section before her would be just as full of fallen gems as the one she had just cleared. Although she had been at this for several days, meticulously combing the sand and even the layer beneath the surface, she wasn’t even halfway through the kindergarten.

Now that her focus was centered on the shards—something that she thought would help clear her mind of other unpleasant topics—their presence only made her more exhausted. Her tracking skills were thrown into overdrive, honing in on their individual energies to the point where it felt like they were all still there, pressing in around her. It should have been at least a little comforting, as if she was surrounded by familiar gems who had once cared for and looked up to her, but all it managed to do was overwhelm her. Instead of some strange sort of reunion, it felt more like a battlefield, carrying all the negativity that came with it, as if the shards minds (the idea of cognizant thought after shattering made her too uneasy to dwell on) were still fixed on the moment they died.

For the first time in her long life, Jasper decided to retreat from this battle field, now an unmarked mass grave, to regroup.

“I’ll be back soon,” she whispered tentatively, as if someone may hear her talking to herself. Satisfied, she repeated loudly, “I’ll be back soon!” It may have been her imagination, but she could have sworn she felt them reply, an idea that was completely unnerving.

Trudging back to her hole was far more comfortable than it had been a few days ago, with the passage cleared of its occupants, and she could already feel herself begin to relax. The pull was still there, whether from pieces so tiny she couldn’t find them or shards buried deep under the sand, but it was nothing compared to what she felt elsewhere. As guilty as she felt about leaving them behind to suffer, they weren’t her greatest concerns at the moment, and she knew that it was impossible to gather every last piece.

As she approached her hole, it became obvious that there was a problem. Despite its impressive size, it was by no means infinite, as bubbles were beginning to bounce off one another and out the entrance. Some were even beginning to be carried off by the wind, already traveled halfway down the pass. In her obsessive quest to gather every shard she could find, Jasper didn’t take into account how many bubbles she had sent off so far.

Cursing under her breath—then shouting it to the heavens, realizing again that she was totally alone and that shouting felt more satisfying—she hastened to collect them.

It must have been an amusing sight, watching her hope around trying to tap bubbles just outside her reach in order to send them back to her exit hole, and she couldn’t help but think of Amethyst. If she were there, she would be laughing at her the entire time. If she were there, her whole self-assigned mission would feel less stressful. If she were there, Jasper would have someone to talk to that would answer her, instead of sitting silent and dead, making her feel more awful than she already did. This was her burden to bear, but there was still a reluctant part of her that wished she didn’t have to bear it alone.

Regardless, it was time to find a new place to store them that wasn’t at risk of exposure to the outside, much like the burning room in the Crystal Gems’ base.

Glaring at the bubbles packed within the confines of the cave, Jasper knew that she couldn’t put this off any longer. Sure, she had considered caging the bubbles in, but her pride wouldn’t allow her to destroy her hole, or any of the gem-made holes in the kindergarten. Her pathetically small sense of family wouldn’t allow her to store them in the holes she made for the corrupted gems, feeling that they were worth more than that. Besides, they were worth more than being treated like prisoners in their own kindergarten, even if they were no longer conscious. Without the bars, however, they would just float out again and be carried even further away. It would be such a waste of time, energy, and emotion.

There was only one place in this entire desert that Jasper trusted to keep those bubbles safe, but she wasn’t exactly sure where it was and how to get inside, as she had never been allowed access herself.

To create a little more space, she spent a little time moving some of the bubbles into the surrounding holes—now all the more noticeably smaller than her own—before setting off for where she believed it was located. With all the time she’d wasted in her thoughtlessness, the sun was already setting again, casting the entire kindergarten in darkness. Only the injectors and her gem lit her way, but she knew this pace well enough to navigate without the light. After all, her section of Beta was close to the center, the most well-protected area of the kindergarten and the perfect place to hide its inner workings. She was almost positive that it was the reason why any of platoon survived in the first place.

“At least those clods did something right,” Jasper scoffed to herself, as the sloping walls above her began to curve sharply inward, forming a sort of cavern that ended in a huge central point.

She never allowed herself to dwell on it before, being the powerful Quartz that she was and having to keep her focus on fighting, but the very sight of this place always left her speechless. It seemed that only a Beta could truly appreciate the beauty of this kindergarten, and as far as Jasper was concerned, the heart of Beta was a work of art. Unmarred by exit holes, the colors on the wall were allowed to curl and wave as they pleased in a dizzying array of oranges and yellows and reds. Besides the natural light that filtered through smoothly carved holes in the ceiling, small crystals mounted to the walls cast the entire room in a soft pink glow, the same as the injectors.

There were tunnel openings all around the circle, leading to different parts of the kindergarten, a few of which were restricted. That was where Jasper was headed now, to the very heart of operations: Beta’s control room.

But first, there was something she had to do, just to complete the experience. Jasper sized up the space of the cavern for a moment, scooped her hair out of her face, took a deep breath, and somersaulted into a dash, racing several times around the room to kick up thousands of years’ worth of dust. She kept going well after it had served its purpose, but she just couldn’t stop. For a moment, she was allowed to have a little harmless fun in one of her favorite places.

Careful not to skid against the floor, Jasper rolled out of the spin, orange flames licking off of her hair as she admired the artwork beneath the dirt. She revealed a smooth stone floor, trodden by thousands of gems and worn by several millennia of erosion, but still in beautiful condition, such was the way of gem architecture. At its center was a giant pink diamond, with ornate depictions of Pink’s rise to Diamondhood, the planets and sun of the Crystal System, and notable gem locations and events on Earth that eventually led to the rebellion. Pink had commissioned this specifically as a means to remind her soldiers what they were fighting for, and it worked.

Jasper laughed breathlessly, taking a few dizzied steps towards the center of the diamond and flopping down with a deafening thud that only made her laugh harder. She had always wanted to do that, always wanted to experience this place by herself, without the stress and confusion of war. Hearing her own, and only her own, laughter echoing off the high ceiling was the finishing touch, even if it did sound unusual and awkward from disuse. After taking in the view from her new perspective, she closed her eyes and enjoyed the moment, the peace and quiet.

She hadn’t been this happy in a long time.

Even if the joy was fleeting, Jasper could have sworn that she could feel her soul mending itself just a little bit. Laying still as she was, she could almost feel a little of the negativity crawl through her throat and escape in one long sigh, and at that moment she knew that fun time was over. It had done its job, now it was time for Jasper to do the same.

“Okay, okay,” Jasper murmured, hauling herself off the floor and dusting off her uniform and making her way to the first restricted cavern she laid eyes on.

* * *

“Open. Up. You. Stupid. Useless. Zeta. Clod!” Jasper all but screamed, bashing the door of the control room over and over again. All the peace from before was long gone, replaced by unbridled rage.

After looking down several tunnels—most of which didn’t hold anything of particular interest, certainly not enough to call it restricted—she finally found the control room. Its door was almost completely disguised, made to blend into the pattern on the wall, so that the untrained eye would miss it at first glance. Jasper was satisfied to know that _she_ had recognized it the moment she laid eyes on it, that is until she realized one crucial detail: she didn’t know how to open it. The door was solid and made to be indestructible, and the only way to unlock it was with a prism key, which she didn’t have. Brute force would have to do for now.

Nothing she tried was working. Punching it? Nothing. Bashing her shoulder into it? Nothing. Using her head, her most destructive weapon? Nothing. She even ran out and retrieved a discarded leg of an injector, one that she had used as impromptu prison bars. That was what she used now to pummel and pry at the door with all her might, leaving just the tiniest scars against its metallic surface.

“Agh!” Jasper let out one final yell, bringing down the sturdy leg so hard that it bent in half, but the door was still sealed shut. With a very un-Quartz-like whimper, she sank to the floor in defeat, irritated with herself for wasting so much time on such a fruitless task.

The prospect of ripping the door from it’s frame had been appealing at first, a means of venting all of her pent-up aggression, but all it managed to do was make her more angry. There was nothing satisfying about punching an immovable object until her knuckles went numb, no reward. What’s worse is, the more she fought, the more she imagined how much easier this would be with Peridot, which only fueled her rage. She didn’t need help, she didn’t need anyone.

 _Would you calm down, already?_ Jasper thought in the most disdainful voice she could muster. _Or are you too stupid to recognize a lost cause when you see one?_

 _It isn’t a lost cause, you idiot_ , Jasper replied in an equally frustrated voice. _It’s just two sheets of metal. It shouldn’t be this hard!_

_That’s five times as strong as the strongest metal found on Earth. It’s made to keep out a whole army, let alone one stubborn clod like you._

She couldn’t think of a good comeback for her internal argument, so she let it go before the self-loathing set in. All of what was left of her emotional reserves for the day went into this task and now she wasn’t sure if she had any left. But now that she had discovered that anger was certainly not going to solve this problem, it left room in her thick skull to think logically.

What would Peridot do? Something outside of Jasper’s skillset, no doubt. Before everything that happened, from Malachite to her humiliating corruption to their rocky reunion, it would have been so easy to order her to open the door, no explanations, no arguing. And then Jasper had an idea.

She took a few moments to bend the leg back into shape, cursing a few more times as the leg slipped from her grasped and stabbed the bottom of her foot. Once the twisted metal was in a reasonable shape again, she directed her aim not at the door, but at the device controlling the door, namely the panel beside the prism lock. This too was difficult to dislodge, but—thank the stars!—it wasn’t as indestructible as the door, as the panel popped off after a few tries. It revealed a complex network of wires that Jasper couldn’t even begin to comprehend, but it hardly mattered. Her objective wasn’t to make sure that the door was still operational afterwards.

Hoping that all her determination wasn’t all for nothing, Jasper angled the leg at the opening and plunged it in with the same amount of force. It was obvious that the damn thing was still functioning, as a powerful electric current shot through the metal and Jasper’s entire body, feeling almost as disorienting as the hand ship’s energy core when Garnet had tossed her in there. It was through sheer force of will that she was able to move the leg at all, twisting and tearing through the delicate circuits. Please work, please work!

After what felt like forever, Jasper was finally able to relax as the leg slashed through the panel’s main connection to its power source. Her legs were shaking and the injector leg was fried, but the door was finally decommissioned, which meant…

Sticking the sharp end of the leg in between the panels, Jasper was able to slide them open with very little difficulty. She was almost too exhausted to revel in her success. Almost.

 _Lost cause, eh?_ Jasper asked herself cockily, shoving the panels further apart and sauntering into the dark room, towards the dormant terminal at the center of the room.

Although she wasn’t a technician, it reacted the moment Jasper placed her hand on the designated spot, causing the entire room to light up bright orange. The screen, which encompassed the entire wall before her, came to life with the last images and texts that had been active right before the Beta had been abandoned. There were private comms sent via the communication hub, surveillance cams trained on eerily empty parts of the kindergarten ( _this could come in handy_ , the obsessive part of Jasper’s mind noted), seismic charts, a huge diagram of the Cluster, and the pertinent information regarding it. This included an estimate of how many gems were put into its creation, but Jasper didn’t have the heart to read it. She already knew that hundreds of thousands of gems—Crystal Gems, Homeworld Gems—went into its creation, with no discrepancy between the two.

There was a reason why the Cluster was inserted at the Beta kindergarten, evident by the countless gem shards Jasper had gathered and had yet to gather. With one thought, all information regarding the Cluster was swept away, as well as everything else that had occupied the screen. It was none of her business, and nothing that she needed to know now, thousands of years after the fact. The puny, logical side of Jasper’s mind knew that it was time to leave the past in the past.

And the sentimental side her was ready to store those bubbles in a safe place like this, as well as to have her hole back.

Taking her hand off the terminal, the lights in the room dimmed to a dull orange glow. As she walked out of the room, she turned around one more time, taking another good look at the room so that she could commit it to memory, so that she was able to simply tap the bubbles and send them here later. And then it was back to the tedium of her previous mission, this time with renewed fervor, and a loneliness that still lingered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, now I've updated both of my ongoing fics! I had a lot of fun writing this one, because Jasper is so fun to explore emotionally (and as an extremely empathetic person, exploring emotions is my specialty). The happy moment was super self-indulgent, but given how frustrated I write Jasper all the time, I thought she needed a little down time. Just you wait for the next chapter, though. ;) Thanks for reading! PS: I really liked the "Zeta" insult from Save the Light, so I just had to insert it in there!


	3. Chapter 3

_Just a little longer…_

Jasper sat with her back against the control panel, looking up at the bubbles nestled safely against the ceiling. For the entire day, she was reluctant to leave this place, after she sent the last of the bubbles to the proper place. It was a struggle, with half of them either being sent back inside her hole or the cavernous space outside its tunnel. Yet, by some force of will, she was able to keep her patience through the night, despite the frustrations. Perhaps that was a sign of improvement…or more likely, a sign of exhaustion.

That was becoming a trend lately: doing a task until it wore her out mentally, until her mind couldn’t form a cognizant thought anymore. Though painful at first, these repetitive tasks became mind-numbing, and that was exactly what she wanted. In a way, she was subconsciously pushing all the unpleasant thoughts to the back of her mind.

She would deal with it later, when she had the energy to deal with it, except she kept making excuses. Not today, not tomorrow.

She groaned, thumping the back of her head repeatedly against the control panel, watching the bubbles seemingly rock back and forth in front of her gaze. Maybe, if she did this enough times, she could either knock some sense into herself or shake it loose from the recesses of her mind. Maybe, she could finally get the nerve to own up to her past mistakes and face her problems head on and tell them to sod off. But when she brought her head back one last time, she didn’t feel any more confident.

Confidence. Jasper liked to think that she had all the confidence in the universe at one point, and it was ripped away from her when she became corrupted, but it actuality…she never had it in the first place. It was all a carefully sculped lie made to conceal the wall she had build around herself, guarded from her painful reality. _That_ was taken from her, in her corruption.

As if on cue, she could feel the familiar tingle across her skin where the corruption had left its mark, something that happened when she thought too long on the subject. In the passing weeks, she had almost forgotten their existence, but the idea didn’t cause her as much pain as she would have thought it would. As long as it remained a scar and didn’t consume her, she didn’t mind looking a little ugly. Stars knew she wasn’t the only hideous creature on this planet.

No use worrying about that now. This corruption belonged in the past, just like these shards. Time to focus on the present.

She stood up sharply before she lost the will to move again, stomped around the terminal, and slapped her palm on its surface. The screen came alive again, calling up the 20-odd tabs she had been obsessing over at intervals, when she wasn’t staring listlessly at the ceiling. Over half of them were petty reports sent by Peridots and Agates alike, all complaints over what they had to work with: a garbage kindergarten full of garbage soldiers with little to now Homeworld-made reinforcements. At the very least, she got the tiniest bit of amusement out of it, seeing the gems who tormented her and her sisters at their wits’ end. The other tabs were various surveillance cams trained on different sections of Beta and the outlying areas, those that were still functional, even after countless Crystal Gem raids.

Not in the mood for entertainment, she continued her scan of the perimeter, looking for nothing in particular but needing something else to focus on. If she had full reign of Beta back in the day, if she wasn’t on the battlefield mowing down traitors, this would be where she spent most of her time, eyes glued to the screen, ready for anything.

“You’re pathetic,” she said to herself in disgust. If she made herself angry enough, perhaps she could pry herself from this place, inspire her to continue doing something meaningful again, if she could really count digging dead gems from the dirt and putting them in useless bubbles “meaningful.”

Anxiety shot through her, catching in the center of her chest as she curled in on herself a bit, as she directed her attention to the blue dot in the middle of the screen. Dwarfed by the towering mesa, it seemed to glide across the horizon slowly, moving left and right in a confusing pattern. _What is she doing here?!_ Jasper thought panickily, feeling as if she were going to be sick.

In her weakened state of mind, the only gem she could think of at that moment was Lapis, but why was she having such a reaction? She and Lapis had talked soon before Jasper decided to leave, and it had gone about as well as anyone could have hoped, parting on neutral terms, uncomfortable in each other’s presence but coming to an understanding.

Why _was_ she there? To torment her? To…to…no, she wasn’t allowed to have those thoughts anymore. A self-destructive whisper trickled through her crumbling wall of self-control.

 _Maybe she actually wants to make Malachite again._ Jasper could already taste the salty water filling her mouth and burning her throat. She could feel the cold monocles on her wrists and ankles, chaining her to the ocean floor, to Lapis. Her scars tingled again at her agitation, keeping her from completely losing herself in the torture.

Then, an equally abusive thought piped up. _Why would she want to fuse with a weakling like you? It took you forever to overpower her and for what? You came out of it completely vulnerable and drained. You don’t deserve her._ No one knew how to sting her pride better than herself.

A more generous voice—it sounded a little like Amethyst—repeated that last sentiment. _You don’t deserve her. You don’t deserve that._ As much as she wanted to believe it, the ache in her chest refused to go away and she was beginning to grow frantic, chest heaving as she swayed on her feet. Fight or flight? Fight or flight?

Her mind was barely able to register where the dot was before her feet carried her out of the control room, racing through the tunnels and out towards blinding sunlight. She had no idea what she was doing, only that she had to see her again, at least at a distance, she had to know. Tucking into a spin dash, she blazed wildly through the kindergarten and out the east entrance, over the flat and dusty terrain, toward the bright horizon.

The relapse lasted all of five minutes and ended at her destination. Feet skidding against the dirt, she searched the area frantically, the forbidden name on the tip of her tongue, when she saw her.

“It’s…you.” Jasper stated, deflating a bit.

Ocean Jasper, the corrupted gem she had fused with briefly, the source of her corruption…she was still there. Lumbering around indecisively about fifty yards away, Jasper could see that she was filthy and bedraggled. It seemed that the Crystal Gems had missed one gem in their crusade to bubble every gem that she had captured. The pathetic part of her, by far her largest and most abused, felt a little disappointed at the sight, while the her more logical side was relieved.

Jasper didn’t know much about full corruption, having only experienced it briefly, but she imagined that Ocean had raced away from Beta with a destination in mind, only to lose track of herself before she could leave the desert. After that, she made her way back to the only place in her recent, troubled memory that she was familiar with. She looked miserable, all the same.

Knowing that her only options were to approach and introduce herself, or trudge her way back like a coward, Jasper chose the braver, stupider option. Being pleasant and presentable weren’t her strong suits, but she attempted to make herself as small as possible, while still maintaining a calm demeanor. She kept her palms open and visible, raised in surrender, and her hair swept away from her face. As open and honest as she appeared, Ocean began to growl the moment Jasper entered the vicinity, before she even turned to look at the show she was being given.

“Um, funny seeing you here,” she began awkwardly, trying hard to smooth the roughness in her voice.

The corrupted gem, swung around at the sound of her voice, growling even louder as she took on a defensive posture. Maybe she should have gone back to the kindergarten, after all.

“Look,” she began, “I don’t know if you care what I have to say, or if you can even understand what I’m saying.” She took a step closer, the corruption crouched lower, snapping her jagged maw threateningly. “I just want you to know that…that…what happened months ago, I’m sorry about that.” The word still felt foreign in her mouth, and her apology was half-assed at most, but she had done it. With more conviction, she went to say it again. “I’m s—”

Before she had time to react, a massive paw came crashing against the side of her head, unbuffered by her helmet, sending her sprawling in the dust. This was the first time in a while that she had felt such a blow to the head unprotected, and all she could do was lay there in a daze, her face in the dirt. For a brief moment, she felt the beast’s presence leaning over her, hot breath ruffling her hair, and then she was gone. When Jasper finally looked up, she was already bounding away, into the distance.

 

For days afterwards, Jasper continued with her original duties, her tracking senses now distracted by that corruption’s presence. On the first day since the encounter, she had given up hope for ever seeing Ocean again, since no gem—corrupted or not—in her right mind would linger too long in a place that she occupied. Gems either feared her, hated her, or didn’t think that she was worth her time, and honestly, she wouldn’t be surprised if this gem was all three.

 _Cut it out_ , she reprimanded herself, viciously smacking the top of another bubble, sending it to its new home. _What’s the point in thinking like that if all it does in make you feel like trash?_

 _I am trash_ , she replied, gaining an odd sense of comfort from the statement, _and that’s okay._

There’s no pressure in being trash, not like it had been when she was lauded as the infallible, perfectly built, Facet 9 Kindergarten Quartz that Could. She could be as angry, uncontrollable, emotional, or soft as she wanted, and no one would judge her, because she was trash. Trash gems, like the Crystal Gems, they all had low standards, and the fact that they took pity on Jasper told her that she had sunk even lower than them. Rock bottom.

She was so lonely. She could have said that she wanted to make amends and right as many wrongs as she could, that she wanted Ocean to know that she was sorry, but in reality, Jasper what Jasper wanted more than anything was a friend. It felt like such a selfish thing to want, especially from a gem that she had abused time and time again in her bid to destroy Rose Quartz, but this gem was the only one, besides Lapis, that she truly had a deep connection to. Their short-lived fusion and shared corruption bound them together.

Besides, they had both been soldiers who fought in the war, regardless of what side Ocean had been on. Jasper would rather not know. And she would never make it out of the desert at this rate, losing what little wits she had half way and racing back to where she knew it was safe.

She felt it. It was the same feeling that overcame her when one of her sisters—the ones who were whole and not in pieces—was near, and she knew at once that Ocean was looking for her. She could feel it at the very core of her being, like there was rope tethered between them. The corruption was near, investigating the outer edges of Beta but refusing to enter. Jasper could almost see her in her mind’s eye, sniffing the east entrance where she had raced through the day before, and moving on to the next entrance, and the next.

And then she left, her presence retreating into the landscape.

This continued every day for a week, around the same time, but Jasper didn’t dare go out and initiate an interaction again. If she wanted Ocean to forgive her and stick around for a bit, she would have to let the corruption come to her. Yet, from the energy that that she gave off, Jasper knew that she was looking for a fight, or at least that was her strongest sentiment. She didn’t blame her: she’d kick her own ass if she could.

It was only when Jasper approached one of the exits—having cleared all of the shards from the pass leading up to it—that Ocean decided to make a reappearance, hunched and ready to fight at any moment. She was scared of Jasper, that much was certain, but not enough to back down, not anymore. Jasper stood frozen before her, a bubble between her palms, unsure of whether to take on a defensive posture herself or to remain submissive. She hated both of those ideas.

They stared at one another for a long time, if one could call Ocean’s eye-less gaze “staring,” until Jasper looked away uncomfortably.

“I’m sorry.”

She stated it simply, knowing as she said it that nothing will ever change the way she behaved, that nothing she ever did would ever fill this void that had formed inside her. She had always plugged it up with gratuitous amounts pride and false convictions, but it never felt right, she never felt complete. Never. Not since the war. Not since she lost all contact with the only gems she had ever cared about.

Her mind suddenly went to the Biggs Jasper that had been with Ocean at the time she captured them, and the remorse just began to pile up. Not only was she lost and confused in a place that was completely out of her element, she was alone without her companion. They had likely been together since the war ended, corrupted but united and undisturbed in the Great North, until she interfered.

Jasper looked up again, feeling the urge to escape this gem’s scrutiny, but knowing she had to face it. “I-I’m sorry, for everything.” It pained her so much to say these next words, as she could feel the void growing larger. “I can help you navigate out of this desert, if you’ll let me…and I know where Biggs is being held. There’s a chance that I can convince the Crystal Gems to release her,” she continued her voice growing hoarse with emotion, “and they can send you two back to where you came from, and you can be happy and together like nothing ever happened! I’m sorry I messed things up, but I want to fix it, I do!”

She fell to her knees, feeling the strength drain from her. “I’m sorry, please let me do something, anything! Please let me help you.”

This had to of been the most sincere apology she had ever given, but she felt no satisfaction in it. All it did was make her feel angry with herself, as if she needed any help there. The confidence that she had constructed at the beginning of her occupation at the Beta was long gone, and the desire to go crawling back to the temple was stronger than ever. But she had to do this; as long as there was still a shred of kindness left in her shriveled heart, she had—, no, she wanted to do this. And then she would decide whether she wanted to give up.

Ocean relaxed a bit at the miserable sight, as she made her way towards Jasper curiously, snuffling loudly as she went. Over and over, Jasper mouthed the word “please” to herself, hoping beyond hope that this was the moment. Just like before, on less friendly terms, she felt her hot breath against her face that ended in a gusty huff. A loud, displeased grunt. Sneaking a peek, Jasper watched as Ocean lumbered away again, but this time it was to sit in the shade of towering sandstone column. She rested her chin on her front paws, in no hurry to leave as Jasper had promised, and for some reason that made her heart feel a little lighter.

With a muttered “thank you,” Jasper continued her work in silence, as Ocean watched her.

When she was finished clearing the shards from the entrance, she followed Jasper back to her exit hole, taking a moment to stiff the edges of it after Jasper had climbed inside. Miraculously, she stayed outside it the entire time, as Jasper hid herself in its shadows and attempted to stuff her emotions back in their dark little corner where they belonged.

As the sun set on the kindergarten that night, the two gems remained where they were, each trying to figure out what they should do next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter! This is one idea that I've wanted to write about since before I finished Healing: New Wounds and Old, but I felt like it needed a proper build up. Also, I really love writing about all these messy emotions. Jasper really is a fun character to explore. Anyways, thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

Jasper blinked once, twice, as if coming out of daze, to find broad sunlight and the open desert, ridged by the mesa in the distance. It was almost the afternoon; a whole day and night passed without her noticing.

She saved this final area for last for a reason. It had been the first place the Crystal Gems targeted, and the gems were pulled so early that they didn’t stand a chance. No one survived the carnage, and the pass was so densely packed with gem shards that she had wonder if the place had even been touched since that first battle, or if it was too mentally exhausting for any one gem to accomplish with larger things going on. This was all Jasper had to do, but she felt drained even before she entered.

She was hyper focused, combing this pass on hands and knees, and now she could see the end, with no reward in sight.

Continuing out for a distance until the shards became sparser, muter, she bubbling the ones she had collected. Trembling, she fell back on her butt, then sprawled out on her back, waiting for some great revelation to smack her upside the head, but all she could hear was silence. Her venture was fruitless, merely a well-intentioned distraction from her own thoughts, and she knew it to be true, she knew this whole time.

There was nothing more disappointing than to expect relief, only to be met with more frustration and tired self-loathing she’d felt for thousands of years. She wanted to scream for help, like these shards.

A shadow passed over her, and something huge came down from about, engulfing half her body in hot, steamy wetness that roused her from her self-pitying stupor. Suppressing the urge to gag, she found Ocean leaning over her, tongue lolling out of her maw stupidly, growling as if she were threatening to lick her again.

Jasper groaned as she pried herself off the ground, wiping the slobber from her uniform and face as best she could, but the damage had already been done. Out in the open, she was practically blasted blowing dust, which already had a habit of caking over her body. She was a mess, and all the dope of a corruption could do was pant contentedly, completely unapologetic. Besides a glower and a muttered “disgusting,” however, Jasper couldn’t find it in herself to be angry with the beast; this was perhaps the least hostile interaction she’s gotten from her, and she wasn’t about to ruin it with her anger.

At least she could put off her own feelings for a little longer, as she contemplated how she would scrape off this red mud.

“I guess we’re done here,” Jasper stated gruffly, trudging her way back the way she came, with Ocean Jasper close on her heels.

The corruption refused to leave her alone the entire way back to her hole, her massive shadow always hanging over her, with fresh slobber dripping onto her shoulder. She snuffled the back of Jasper’s head, pawed at her arm, wagging her tail in agitation so hard that it kicked up more dust. Jasper ignored it all, but it was more out of distraction than annoyance. Now that her mind wasn’t occupied by shards, she became uncomfortably aware of herself, how tired she felt, how her body ached, her face especially.

Reluctantly, Jasper wondered if she should risk using the warp, or perhaps she should call a quits to this whole venture and return to the temple, unfulfilled as she was, but her pride wouldn’t allow her to. She wasn’t going to go crawling back to the Crystal Gems until she found what she was looking for, whatever that may be. Jasper continued to drag her feet, but this time with more conviction, more anger at herself and at the situation as a whole.

Disappointment sat heavy in her chest, and it hurt more than she wanted to admit. She did what she set out to do, and those shards were better off trapped in bubbles than suffering on the desert floor, waiting for the wind to wear them down to nothingness, but it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough, not for them and not for herself.

The next time Ocean touched her, Jasper had to stop altogether to keep from attacking her, her whole body shaking.

 _“It isn’t fair!”_ She screamed, voice reverberating through the kindergarten, letting out her frustrations all at once. Bounding to the nearest injector, Jasper clambered up the wall, grabbed it back the legs, and attempted to shake it free, as she had done in order to make the cells for her corrupted army. _“It. Isn’t. Fair!_ Why? _Why?!_ Why should they have to _suffer_ like this?!” The injector crashed to the ground, as Ocean scrambled out of the way, whimpering in fear.

Jasper leapt down on top of it, cracking its surface. “Why should _I_ have to suffer like this?!” She stomped her foot down. _“What did I do to deserve this?”_ She stomped again, and the solution inside shuddered at the impact. _“I didn’t ask to fight! I didn’t ask to suffer! I didn’t ask to be made!”_ She punctuated every statement with blow after blow until finally, the clear casing shattered and her foot plunged into the combination of crystal and goo, the very essence she and her fellow Betas were made from, useless in this dormant stage.

“They _didn’t_ ask for this.” She declared bitterly, pulling at her hair.

She halted, took a few calming breaths, then carefully removed her foot, grimacing as she shook off the goop. It had been awhile since she lost her temper like this, by her standards, but knowing that her corruption was tied to her emotions, she was afraid to push it any further. Yes, even while she pretended to be fearless of everything else, she could readily admit that she feared corruption. Although this discomfort was nothing like that which she felt with her corruption, she still couldn’t help but fixate on the marks on her arms, just waiting for them to spread.

Ocean rumbled impatiently beside her, making a point of flopping on the ground, and thumping her tail, until Jasper turned on her in irritation.

“What’re you looking at?!” She growled defensively, kicking the injector’s metallic exterior. “You don’t even have eyes!”

The corruption growled back at her, lowering her head to the ground, and swiping a paw across the middle of her face.

“Wha—?” Jasper gasped, automatically raising a hand to her own gem, and with a start, she found that it was rough to the touch. The slightest pressure sent a wave a nausea through her. She had long since gotten used to the grit on her face and in her eyes, because there was no damage to come from it aside from irritation, but this was a whole other matter. Her gem was scuffed, and if she didn’t do something about it soon, she could very well become cracked.

Suddenly, she was scrambling to remember the last time she polished her gem, rubbing at its edges and hoping that the rough spots were just dirt, but it hurt so much she could concentrate. It was obvious that she would have to return to the Temple far earlier than she would like, at least for a moment, and ask Steven to heal her gem, but she wasn’t going to go there in this state.

Ocean perked up as they entered the central cavern of the kindergarten, and it suddenly occurred to Jasper that the corruption had never seen this place before. For a very brief moment, Jasper was excited show off her favorite place to her new companion, but she stamped it down again before she could be too disappointed. She was just a stupid monster, after all, and couldn’t possibly appreciate this place more than Jasper did, regardless of who Ocean fought for in the past.

Still, she couldn’t help but mention, “this is where I put all the shards I pick up. Well, not here, but in that cave over there, in case you were wondering. Do you even…wonder about stuff?”

Ocean grunted in response. Then, the corruption swung her head to the side, growling excitedly, and bounded toward one of the cave entrances, which could hardly be called an entrance, as it had collapsed long ago. She instantly went to work, clawing furiously at the debris.

“Hey, cut it out!” Jasper shouted, racing this way and that to keep the flying boulders from damaging the mural behind her, but Ocean kept going.

Rocks eventually gave way to loose sand and then the darkness of the cave beyond opened up before them. The tunnel was profoundly dark with only a few intermittently placed sconces to light the way, the rest having been lost with time. Groaning inwardly, Jasper could see even more shards illuminated by the magenta light, as well as discarded weapons lining the edges of the walkway.

“Is this what you’re so excited about?” Jasper grumbled, throwing her hand out incredulously. “You made all this mess for a bunch of shards? You better clean all this up by the time I’m done with this place!”

The corrupted lumbered down the passage with reckless abandon, knocking what few sconces were left to the floor. A distressed noise escaped Jasper’s mouth as she watched Ocean step over the shards, which she quickly covered up with a cough as she hastened to follow, picking up shards as she went. Considering the location, these gems must have been shattered in the final battle before Beta was abandoned, but Jasper didn’t dare linger on this for too long. She simply forced herself to focus on Ocean’s retreating form as her mind numbly recognized each gem type she came across.

Agate. Agate. Peridot. Agate. Blue…perhaps a Celestite? An Aquamarine? Peridot. Peridot. No Jaspers, because the Beta soldiers were not allowed down this tunnel. She lost interest in this endeavor halfway down, bubbled the ones and sent away the ones she already collected, and sprinted the rest of the way toward the illuminated chamber at the end of the corridor, ignoring her guilt as it began to rise again.

And then she heard it: running water.

She slowed to a stop at the entrance to the chamber, shocked to find a brightly lit cavern full of water, roughly hewn stairs leading down to its surface. It was likely runoff from the recent flood, dripped down from the ceiling, where water still ran from. Piles of weapons littered the ground below, and she suddenly realized that this had been the weapon’s hold, kept under strict supervision to stave off any bright ideas from Beta’s occupants, however loyal they may have been. Now, it was nothing more than another trash heap.

Jasper sighed, lowering herself to the bottom steps tiredly and placing her head in her hands, drained. At least Ocean was content for now, splashing happily in the cold water as she waded the center of the room, where it was at its deepest.

“Guess you aren’t as dumb as you look,” She called to Ocean, who flicked her tail, splashing her with water. Jasper chuckled in spite of her low spirits, leaning down towards pool’s edge. “Alright, you win this time.”

She cupped her hands, but just before they broke the surface, Jasper couldn’t help but notice her reflection, and the sight of it made her cringe. Her face was redder than orange, with temporary scrapes and bruises marring her skin, her form never given a chance to stabilize enough for them to disappear. Her hair stuck up in all directions, except where it hung in dirty clumps, twigs and rocks tangled in it. She wouldn’t be surprised if an organic made a home of it at this point. Finally, she braved a look at her gem. It was filthy, yes, but not as bad as she thought it would be, but looks could be deceiving, especially with a gem so small. There was a scratch across the bridge—the source of her pain—and a few minor scrapes along its edges, but nothing too bad.

Instead of splashing her face, she decided to plunge her entire head in the pool. Environmental factors like temperature never bothered her, but the chill had enough of an effect on her to bring her back to the present, feeling cold enough to sting where the cut on her gem was deepest. She kept it under for a couple minutes until her bad feelings faded to a familiar, dull ache, before slowly reemerging, feeling a little comforted by the cleaner image she beheld as the water settled again. She even tried to smile to complete the look, but it just felt unnatural at that point.

Jasper stood and regarded the pool again with stronger interest, looking down at her body now and back at the water.

She tugged at the collar of her uniform, feeling it peel away from her skin uncomfortably, her face burning in embarrassment. Jasper certainly wasn’t of the shy variety, but taking off her uniform without anything to replace it was something she’d never done before. The idea felt wrong—bathing wasn’t exactly a common practice on Homeworld, and only happened among gems of the dirtiest occupations—but at the same time incredibly appealing. Cold water against bare skin, numbing if not her body then her mind for a brief moment. It would make her feel better, for a brief moment. That was all she needed if she wished to build the nerve to ask Steven to heal her gem without feeling as if she were giving up.

Closing her eyes tightly, she phased off as much of her uniform as she could tolerate and stumbled forward into the pool, concentrating hard on the water. It felt so much better than the ocean, smooth and fresh, with no waves to buffet her relentlessly, and no sea creatures to bother her, no salt to leave her skin feeling even worse.

The simple act of submerging herself in water, scrubbing mindlessly at her skin, had enough of a soothing effect that she found herself enjoying her time. She even found attempting to tackle the lost cause that was her hair relaxing, futile as it was. These were easy tasks, repetitive motions, familiar to old experiences but in a different setting, and she had to admit it was a little exciting to do something outside her comfort zone that didn’t end with her regretting her entire existence.

Jasper sank lower into the water, a smile playing on her lips that was far more genuine, with a feeling bubbling inside her that felt a little like pride, but the good kind. She was proud of herself for taking this extra step, even if it wasn’t much of a step in the grand scheme of things. Although she didn’t find the end to her suffering that she so desperately wanted, she knew deep down that this was a start, a first step, or rather another stage of the first step. She couldn’t improve herself without remembering to do the bare minimum. Her gem was damaged because of her neglect, but that would change; she wouldn’t let herself get into a situation like this again, if she could help it.

Her change in mood was more of a shock to the system than the water ever would be, and this revelation only made her smile harder. “I'm going to visit the Crystal Gems tomorrow,” Jasper stated resolutely, swimming over to pat Ocean on the head. “And don’t worry. I’ll ask about your friend while I’m there.”

Ocean rumbled appreciatively, leaning into Jasper’s touch, and for the first time in a long time, Jasper enjoyed the feeling of doing something good and productive for a change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so tired, guys. It's 1 in the morning. Jasper is finally starting to cope with her anger and sadness and frustration, instead of letting it consume her, albeit baby steps at a time. I'm so happy to be writing for he again! Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

_I can’t believe I’m doing this,_ Jasper thought, not for the first time.

She left Ocean behind to splash about in the water-filled cavern, determined to get this over with before she had time to talk herself out of it. It wasn’t that she had any choice—her gem wasn’t going to heal itself—but if it were possible to ignore it until she was truly ready to face the Crystal Gems again, she would. The ache in the center of her face certainly wasn’t helping her state of mind, and it was beginning to affect her in other ways, too. Her tracking abilities were gone, her depth perception was off, and she was struggling to keep her mind on a singular track.

First, she couldn’t remember where the warp pad was. Then, she could have sworn she saw a glimmer of an unaccounted-for gem shard. It was scrap metal. She took a wrong turn and had to backtrack, only to stop on the way back to scrutinize the stability of an injector high on the cliff face. There was a scuffling noise behind her that she could have sworn was Ocean bounding up behind her, but it was only a big lizard, come to sun itself on a rock. Then, she had to spend a long time concerning herself with the organic’s living arrangements, it’s source of food and water.

Just as she was beginning to contemplate adopting it, she had to take a step back, shaking her head in hopes that a reasonable string of thoughts would fall into place. She kept going.

Finally, she made it to the warp, activating the stream before her growing apprehension could cloud her judgment further. Even then, it was an effort to keep from jumping outside the stream into the void beyond, just to avoid the possibility of an unpleasant interaction. Crossing her arms uncomfortably, Jasper steeled herself against what was about to occur, hoping beyond hope that Steven would be there, alone, and ask as little questions as possible. She quickly ran through various conversations in her head, as best as she could, and considered what sort of guarded answers she would give him to subjects he may find interest in.

_“You’re back already?!”_

_“Not yet. I need your help.”_

_“Okay, how can I help?”_

_“My gem is scuffed. Can you heal it?”_

_“Of course I can, but how—?”_

_“Don’t worry about it.”_

Yes, that sounded good. Feeling a little more confident, she uncrossed her arms, just as her feet touched solid ground once more and the light faded away around her, revealing the beach house’s interior.

No one was home.

Jasper cursed aloud, her confidence waning, not sure what she had been thinking to assume that things would go her way this time. She stood frozen on the warp pad, feeling like a stranger in a place she had once called her prison, and later something akin to a home. Yes, she had a few decent experiences in here, but that was weeks—no, months—ago, before she decided to take up her newest obsession with the Beta Kindergarten.

Rubbing the rough surface of her gem self-consciously, Jasper resolved to leave and come back another time, knowing full well that her pride wouldn’t allow it. This was her one chance.

Suddenly, the door to the temple activated, causing the Quartz to stumble backwards in surprise, falling off the warp pad gracelessly. The red light that emanated from the door told her who was exiting before she even showed her face: Garnet, the Crystal Gem who discomfited her the most. But there was no way she would let that be known, trying her best to feign a Jasper-like tense and suspicious nonchalance from her position on the floor as the fusion entered the room.

Garnet spared her no more than a passing glance, adjusting her shades as she walked past into the living room, making it clear that two could play at this game of wits.

“Hello, Jasper.”

Jasper gritted her teeth but nodded tersely in greeting. “Garnet.”

Garnet chuckled, which only made Jasper clench her jaw harder. “There’s no need to be like that,” she chided lightly. “You’re welcome here as long as you don’t cause trouble.”

“What makes you think I haven’t been?” Jasper fired at her defensively, still avoiding her gaze.

She continued to laugh quietly, seating herself on the couch and propping her feet up on the table with a dull _clunk._ As much as Jasper hated to admit it, her blasé attitude over this encounter was unnerving, far more than if she had reacted just as hostilely as herself. In fact, it would have made perfect sense, given their personal histories and past interactions, even though the last time they parted had been on neutral terms. No one was ever just…okay with Jasper’s presence, without even a hint of fear, or intimidation, or anger.

Instead, it was Jasper’s turn to squirm under Garnet’s scrutiny. Determined not to let herself be rattled by the fusion, Jasper collected what was left of her dignity and picked herself up off the floor.

She thrust an accusing finger in her direction. “You’re doing this on purpose!”

Garnet shrugged as if she’d accused her of changing the furniture while she was gone, arms crossed loosely across her chest. A small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth, and she met Jasper’s glare for a long time, long enough for Jasper to realize that her other hand was cupped conspicuously over her face, obscuring her gem from view. That, paired with her original request to see Steven, was enough to tell the fusion her reason for being here.

Growling in frustration, she slid her hand up her face and raked her fingers through her matted hair, face growing hot. This wasn’t going at all as she wanted, but there was no way to back out now. Even though her freedom was assured, she couldn’t help but feel trapped by the circumstances, trapped by her dependence on others and her overwhelming desire for independence, trapped by the past. And as unreasonable as it was, she felt trapped by Garnet’s coolness.

Seeming to sense Jasper’s rising agitation, Garnet sighed in submission. “Look, I’m really trying to make this as normal as possible. We’re not enemies anymore.” She patted the cushion beside her firmly. “Sit down. Come be normal with me.”

Jasper’s scowl deepened.

Garnet’s palm slapped the cushion a little more forcefully. “Come be normal, or I won’t tell you where Steven is.”

“Fine!” Jasper cried, relenting as she threw her hands in the air and stomped over to the couch, putting herself as far away from Garnet as possible.

She knew she was being excessively immature. She owed it to the fusion for giving her a second chance and allowing her to heal, even going as far as to give her freedom, but old feelings die hard. Jasper found herself torn between suspicion and gratitude and humiliation and having dropped so low as to feel gratitude towards a couple of gems who were so shamelessly involved with one another.

They sat in silence, but Jasper knew it wouldn’t last forever, however, and she found herself fixating on all the topics that could possibly be breached. First, there was the deeply personal topic of the Beta Kindergarten and what she had been up to all this time, something she was far from ready to discuss. Then, there was what she planned to do next, upon her inevitable return to Beta, and later to the temple, and that was even further from her concerns.

And Ocean…how could she possibly explain that? That wasn’t even to mention her desire to reunite her with Biggs, and possibly relocate them to the Great North once more. Even with her impaired senses, Jasper could sense that Garnet still didn’t trust her much.

Luckily, Garnet wasn’t one to ask questions. Instead, she stated the obvious.

“Your gem is damaged.”

“Gee, what clued you into that, your Clarity?” Jasper replied sarcastically, wincing as her head throbbed.

Garnet’s mouth pressed into a hard line, but otherwise she didn’t grace her with a response, leaving Jasper feeling foolish. It was a clear observation, right in the middle of her face. Again, she felt her hand migrate back up to her face, ready to shield her gem from view, but she knew that it was pointless, now that Garnet had already seen it. So instead, she harrumphed and laid both hands in her lap, balling them into fists, shoulders held tensely up to her ears.

“You don’t have to tell me what happened,” Garnet stated, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips, “but I can’t help but imagine you falling on your face hard enough to crack your gem.”

“Believe what you want,” Jasper snapped, scowl deepening. Which would be a greater sting to her pride: admitting to clumsiness that she didn’t have—at least not before her injury—or admitting that she was too focused on the past to think of things like her own safety? Face coloring, she had to add, “and I’m not cracked!”

 _Close enough,_ she thought cynically, leaning back into the couch and closing her eyes, nursing another headache that was beginning to form, one that wasn’t caused by her gem, although that was certainly the more distracting of the two. Her old fight or flight reflexes were beginning to kick in, disoriented as she was, but she forced herself to remain calm. This would be over before she knew it. Her injury wasn’t as bad as it felt, and she could easily get used to it over time, just as countless soldiers had done before her, but falling into that desperate mentality was what got her into this entire situation in the first place.

She draped an arm over her face, blocking out the world, trying to focus.

The fusion relaxed beside her. “Steven will be back soon,” she finally revealed, bridging the distance to touch her forearm gently. The gesture was surprisingly comforting, at least enough to nudge her away from the brink of a panic attack, as worked up as she was getting over nothing.

For a blessed moment, everything was quiet. The silence between her and Garnet was far from companionable, but there was an unspoken agreement between them to leave the other alone. They were both dominant forces, one with self-bestowed authority, and the other with overpowering size and strength, that another altercation between them would leave the surrounding area in shambles. Besides, as much as Jasper hated to admit it, she was in no shape to fight, and there was absolutely no point in trying.

And there was a voice inside her mind that reminded her of Garnet’s goodwill and patience, that there was no reason to fight. Things didn’t have to be so tense.

“There’s something else I have to talk about,” Jasper grumbled, more to herself.

“It can wait.”

“We both know I’m leaving as soon as this is over.”

“I don’t know about that. Steven has his ways.”

As if on cue, creaking steps outside alerted them to Steven’s arrival. Halfway through their ascent, they halted, followed by a muffled gasp, then the steps quickened their pace, until the small child was bursting through the door. He practically vaulted over the coffee table and into Jasper’s lap, gushing about how much he missed her and begging her to share the details of her exile.

Flustered by the sudden attention, Jasper sat unresponsively, until Garnet graciously pried Steven off her.

“S-sorry,” he apologized, clearly not sorry at all, judging by the grin on his face. “It’s just been a long time! Me and Amethyst keep wanting to visit, but Garnet tells us to leave you alone and that’s probably for the best, but we really miss you! Where’s Amethyst? I bet she’ll wanna see you. Wait...What happened?” He leaned in close. Jasper resisted the urge to shove him away, but that didn’t stop the deep blush to creep across her face in embarrassment. “Your gem…”

“That’s why I’m here. Nothing else,” Jasper said evenly, feeling a prickle of guilt at Steven’s hurt expression.

“How did you crack your gem?” He asked, concern etched all over his face.

“I didn’t!” Jasper shouted back in exasperation. “I just _scuffed_ it on accident! So, can you _please_ heal it for me before I lose my sodding mind?”

Steven blinked in surprise. “O-okay!” he stammered, seating himself next to Jasper. looking hesitantly at her gem, he asked, “so…how should I—?”

“If you put your mouth anywhere near my gem, I’ll make you regret it.” Jasper cut in tersely, unsure of what exactly she could get away with to make him “regret it.”

“R-right, of course.” Steven rubbed his neck awkwardly then, after a moment’s hesitation, he stuck his finger in his mouth. She resisted the urge to pull a disgusted face, dipping her head to make her face easier to reach, squeezing her eyes shut, waiting for it all to be over.

A second later, she felt the slightest bit of pressure, then a small flash emanated from her gem, a tingling that started at its center and radiated outwards, and suddenly everything was as it should be. It was like magic, like nothing she had ever experienced before, pain one moment and the next moment, gone. Jasper gasped at the suddenness, pulling back quickly as her hands flew towards her gem, good as new and even better than before. Not only did his powers heal the damage she accumulated over the last few weeks, it took care of 5,500 years’ worth of wear. The shock was so great that it left her openly trembling.

It took a while for Jasper to find the words to describe how she felt, as she knew Steven was dying to ask. She felt much, much better, more focused than she could remember feeling in a long time, and yet, she couldn’t help but feel that she didn’t deserve such an honor, to be healed so completely without a second thought. And there was yet another nagging regret that it couldn’t take away the awful thoughts and feeling that still plagued her, amplified by her ever-present corruption.

Her newfound mental clarity only made her situation seem even worse. She was a mess, an obsessive, angry, manipulative mess that was hellbent on ruining every meaningful relationship she could ever possibly form, and she did. This realization was like a punch to the gut, and all she could do was gasp for air she didn’t need, her flight reflex suddenly taking a hold of her. She needed to get away, but she couldn’t.

“Jasper? Did it…work?” Steven asked, already looking disheartened. “I-it’s all right to say that it didn’t. I lost my healing powers for a while before, so it wouldn’t be all that surprising if that happened now. We can go to my mom’s healing fountain, and that way you’ll know where it is, so you wouldn’t even need my help anymore…”

“It worked,” Jasper’s voice was so quiet, it even surprised herself. “It-it worked better than I thought it would.” She cleared her throat awkwardly. “Um…thank you, Steven.”

He blinked in surprise, before breaking into a beaming smile, hugging her again around the waist, and this time, Jasper didn’t recoil from his embrace. In the corner of her eye, she could see Garnet removing her shades, losing her guarded countenance to regard the two of them openly. Her third eye was closed—likely an indicator that she wasn’t using her future vision—with the other two watching them thoughtfully. Sneaking a better look, Jasper was surprised to find just how nice those eyes were to look at, as unusual as they were. One red, one blue, and the third one a combination of the two, purple, sharp and understanding, always calculating the situation, concealed behind those mirrored shades.

The last time she saw those eyes had been under _completely_ different circumstances. They were on the ship, poised to fight, Garnet glaring at her with an infuriatingly defiant smile on her face, simply radiating confidence that didn’t think she deserved to feel. Not anymore. She decided she preferred to be in her approving gaze, which suddenly became quizzical.

Too late, Jasper realized she was staring, and Garnet was looking right back at her, and now Steven was looking at her too. Jasper quickly averted her gaze, chomping down on the inside of her cheek, then stood to leave, depositing Steven on the floor.

"I have to go," she said quickly, marching toward the warp pad, face burning.

Steven followed after her, protesting. "But you just got here! Come on, at least stay until Amethyst shows up!"

Jasper swallowed hard, wanting desperately to see the small Quartz, to tell her everything she had been through and what few things she accomplished, if only for the fleeting validation it would bring. No one's opinion mattered greater to her than Amethyst's, and that was her problem: she didn't want Amethyst to see her like this, an unfinished project that was a far cry from what Jasper had hoped to be. Not only did she want her to be impressed by her improvement, she wanted Amethyst to be proud of her.

She wanted to feel worthy of being equal to this runty, defective gem, because at the moment Jasper was still just above rock bottom, scrambling on the edge. At least Amethyst was something. Jasper was nothing, less than nothing.

A gemmed hand grasped her shoulder, and Jasper had to consciously keep from reflexively flinging the fusion across the room. “Jasper—”

“I’m so confused,” Jasper stated, struggling to get the words out. “I’ve tried to get better, but I don’t know what ‘better’ feels like. Being healed was the best thing I’ve felt in a long time, and even then, it doesn’t last. I’m still mean and cruel…and corrupted, and…and confused! I don’t know what I’m even doing anymore. I just _can’t_ get away from the past. Why do you waste your time with me?”

Garnet was quiet for a moment, then she pulled on Jasper’s shoulder, turning her around to face her. Even without her shades, her expression was unreadable.

“We aren’t wasting anything on you, Jasper.” She said evenly. “We _chose_ to help you because we—and more importantly, Amethyst—thought that you deserved a second chance. You’ve proven that you can be trusted.”

“But I haven’t! And even if I did, that doesn’t change what I’ve done! How can you be so calm, knowing that I would have gladly shattered all of you?!”

“Change doesn’t happen all at once. It’s gradual, and often too small to notice right away, but these small changes build on each other, making a bigger change over time. You may not realize it, but you are a completely different gem from the one who stepped off that ship to destroy us. Besides,” she smiled, her third eye opening. “I prefer to focus on the future.”

“I wish I could do the same,” Jasper replied dejectedly, unwilling to let this go so easily.

Garnet patted her shoulder, chuckling lightly. “All you should worry yourself about is the present. Now.” She walked past Jasper towards the temple, gesturing for her to follow. “About Ocean…”

“How did you know?!” Jasper cried incredulously.

Steven sidled up beside her. “Because she has future vision, silly,” he explained.

Garnet nodded. “We lost track of that corrupted gem while trying to clean up the mess you left, and I foresaw that you two would possibly meet again and form a bond.” Jasper blanched, ready to protest, but was instantly silenced with a wave of Garnet’s hand. “I already told you I trusted you, and if I suspected that you would any way betray that trust, I wouldn’t have let you leave. Follow me, and we’ll negotiate.”

The warp was just within reach. She could leave now, and no one would stop her. She could travel to some remote corner of the world and hide forever, somewhere no one, not even the all-knowing Garnet, could find. She could wallow in self-pity and regret until the end of time, or at least until the Diamonds get tired of the Crystal Gems’ nonsense and come to destroy the planet personally. Stubbornly determined to be stronger than that, however, Jasper complied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to remind everyone that this fic is very self-indulgent and I love to comfort Jasper. Also who doesn't find Garnet attractive and enjoy her approval? Lol thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> *Phew* I'm glad I got that out of my system. This fic will be kind of short, but I have some interesting, self-indulgent idea I want to throw into it. Thanks for reading!


End file.
